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Shame

Tag: Body Image, Health, Health News, Rants
Jul 26th, 2006

More Americans Too Fat for X-Rays.

Stories like this make me feel deeply ashamed.  I’m not yet too fat for X-rays, but I am right up there in the obesity statistics.  I am obese.  I have been fighting obesity for six years now, and I have been losing.  Six years.  I can get all this other great stuff accomplished in my life, but I can’t do something as simple as control my own weight.  I know nutrition.  I know the dangers of being overweight.  I exercise.  I log what I eat.  But I cannot lose weight.

I have this Australian book called Confessions of a Reformed Dieter, by AJ Rochester, who lost about 70 pounds by exercising and changing her eating habits.  I love this book, and listen to it on audio, as well as read it.  Sometimes, though, I get a little bitter and wish that I had started out eating entire pizzas and 20 beers in a night.  Then I would have someplace to improve from.  Then, the things I do would make a difference.  I would see that the changes I make do some good.  I don’t even eat fast food, though.  I stopped eating candy several months ago.  I stopped drinking pop about two months ago.  I’ve been eating 4-5 servings of raw fruits and veggies a day for a long time, like four or five months.  I’ve been running since April.  All I really have to show for it is about two kilos, give or take half a kilo.  (Remember, too, that what I’m working on now is the extra, extra weight I gained from grad school.  Then, I have to lose the extra weight I gained from moving to the states.  Then the last 5 pounds I was trying to lose of my baby weight.)

I just get so discouraged when I read these articles.  I feel so ashamed. It makes me not want to ever seek medical help.  I don’t want to be treated like trash because of my body weight.  No one does.  No one should be.  But even though we fat people are the majority, we still get treated like we’re not even people.

A British article by a reporter who spend a day in a fatsuit. I’ve spent the last six years in a fatsuit.  I’m tired of these emotions only being valid if the person can be a size 10 the next day, or be Tyra Banks.  The real experiences of living it are not valid.

I’m also tired of fat not being studied for real.  I mean, it’s studied as a way to demonize people, or to blame someone for high medical expenses, but what I want to know is WHY I’m fat.  What role does getting only three hours of sleep a night play?  What kind of crap is in my milk?  (I grew up drinking British milk.  There’s a part of me that wonders, strongly, whether the junk in America’s milk plays a role in our obesity problem.)  Is there really a thyroid issue and in 20 years, everyone who’s being demonized now will deserve a gigantic apology?  I think there’s much more than meets the eye.

I won’t say that losing weight in Germany after I had my son was easy.  It was hard.  But it wasn’t the complete and utter sacrifice of all that is good that losing weight seems to require here.  I could still have a little chocolate pudding dessert, or a hot chocolate, or a cappuccino– every day if I wanted.  I drank pop about four days a week.  I could lose weight on 1500 calories (and add more on days that I exercised).  No longer.

I wish I was a funny weight loss blogger.  But I feel so discouraged and so ashamed and so confused.

(BTW, if you’ve tried to comment before, I’ve fixed my commenting issue.)

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