So I generally ignore those messages any more. I try to ignore society’s messages about how I should feel bad about myself. I know now that even if I had lost 20 pounds when I was 140, I still would have been too fat for someone. And frankly, I don’t long to weigh any less than 120, ever. At this point, the low end of my goal range is 125. (The high end is 145. The ultimate goal… I’ll know when I get there.)

I’m not trying to be mean, and I debated about even posting this, but I watched that Posh Spice “reality show” the other day and found it a little painful. I just don’t think it’s hott to have to carefully lower yourself into a seat because your bones will hurt if you drop down too quickly. My beloved dog is that thin and I worry about her constantly (she’s 14.) Yet Posh thinks she’s the hottest thing ever. I resist allowing disordered eaters and body dysmorphics to decide what I should look like.

I’ve definitely gotten to where it’s about health and performance, not looks.

My official weight for the week is 82.8. My body is doing what it wants, and I’m okay with that. My goal is living a healthy life and letting my body get to its natural healthy weight.

At the Y tonight, I started to obsess about how weird my thighs look in the mirror (which I think is designed to make the viewer look and feel fat.) Then on the way home, I started thinking about a girl I know who was paralyzed from the waist down a few years ago. I realized just how terrible it is that I don’t appreciate what my body can do.

I’m going to let my body do what it needs to do and not impose an artificial deadline on it.

I had a milestone run this week.  Thursday I timed myself doing a 3-mile run on the 1/3 mile track on campus.  I did it in 32:28. Not too bad, considering how overweight I am! I’m pretty happy with that time, though I hope to get it under 30 by the end of January.  So much of running is mental!  Of course, it will also help that I’ll be 10-20 pounds (4-9 kilos) lighter by the end of January.  I’d like to lose a kilo a week, and if I can understand the effects of my eating and workouts, I might be able to manage it, but if not, I’m just going to focus on being healthy.

I’ve lost about 16 pounds since then, but I have a long way to go.  I just keep listening to my hypnosis tapes, thinking positive, eating well, and exercising.  Every day counts.  Every day makes a difference.  I joined Spark People.  If that works well, I’ll post a link to my spark page.

My hip feels better.  I hope to get some kind of exercise tomorrow.  Today, I went for a hike with some scouts.

My November weight loss goal is four kilos, to get to 80.  I would like to lose 4-5 kilos a month.

Last week, I had two good runs.  One was a hilly run of about half an hour.  The other was on a track– I wanted to see whether I could run a mile without stopping and how long it would take me.  (Yes, 11 minutes.)  Then, my hip started to hurt.  My good hip (the left one.)  So I haven’t been able to run since– I can barely walk without pain.  I’m so tired of getting hurt any time I make any kind of progress whatsoever.  Considering I’ve been running since April and have been working up slowly, I definitely don’t think it’s too much too soon.
Then, my weight today was 5 kilos higher than yesterday.  I don’t even know how that could be possible, but my scale is usually dead accurate.  My jeans are tighter too.

I’m also frustrated because I can’t break my addictive behavior.  Whenever I manage to successfully break an unhealthy addiction, I immediately replace it with another.  I quit pop, but started drinking soy lattes.  Quit candy, but doubled up on coffee.  Why am I so self-destructive?

When am I going to get it together?

Plus, today, I saw pictures of myself.  I HATE seeing myself in pictures.  Why does seeing myself in pictures and mirrors make me want to cry?  How can I learn to take care of myself and love myself when I make myself sick?

I’ve done so much this year to get my head on straight.  The strict vegetarian diet helps, too.  Now, to get the exercise back under control.  There are those who scoff about people who have “no time to exercise,” (I used to scoff), but it can be true, especially when you work two jobs, go to school full time, and have two kids.  I’m still working on finding time to exercise, while still getting enough sleep.  I did Cathe’s Cardio & Weights yesterday and walked a lot today.  Tomorrow, I will probaby do something like Step Jump and Pump or a combination of a kickbox cardio and Push-Pull.  I’m going to do total body weight workouts until I am consistently doing weights three times a week, then I’m going to do splits.

Oh, I logged in at Weight Watchers online today to add this week’s weight and discovered I have lost 18 pounds.  Nice.  I might start going back to meetings soon.

Stories like this make me feel deeply ashamed.  I’m not yet too fat for X-rays, but I am right up there in the obesity statistics.  I am obese.  I have been fighting obesity for six years now, and I have been losing.  Six years.  I can get all this other great stuff accomplished in my life, but I can’t do something as simple as control my own weight.  I know nutrition.  I know the dangers of being overweight.  I exercise.  I log what I eat.  But I cannot lose weight.

I have this Australian book called Confessions of a Reformed Dieter, by AJ Rochester, who lost about 70 pounds by exercising and changing her eating habits.  I love this book, and listen to it on audio, as well as read it.  Sometimes, though, I get a little bitter and wish that I had started out eating entire pizzas and 20 beers in a night.  Then I would have someplace to improve from.  Then, the things I do would make a difference.  I would see that the changes I make do some good.  I don’t even eat fast food, though.  I stopped eating candy several months ago.  I stopped drinking pop about two months ago.  I’ve been eating 4-5 servings of raw fruits and veggies a day for a long time, like four or five months.  I’ve been running since April.  All I really have to show for it is about two kilos, give or take half a kilo.  (Remember, too, that what I’m working on now is the extra, extra weight I gained from grad school.  Then, I have to lose the extra weight I gained from moving to the states.  Then the last 5 pounds I was trying to lose of my baby weight.)

I just get so discouraged when I read these articles.  I feel so ashamed. It makes me not want to ever seek medical help.  I don’t want to be treated like trash because of my body weight.  No one does.  No one should be.  But even though we fat people are the majority, we still get treated like we’re not even people.

A British article by a reporter who spend a day in a fatsuit. I’ve spent the last six years in a fatsuit.  I’m tired of these emotions only being valid if the person can be a size 10 the next day, or be Tyra Banks.  The real experiences of living it are not valid.

I’m also tired of fat not being studied for real.  I mean, it’s studied as a way to demonize people, or to blame someone for high medical expenses, but what I want to know is WHY I’m fat.  What role does getting only three hours of sleep a night play?  What kind of crap is in my milk?  (I grew up drinking British milk.  There’s a part of me that wonders, strongly, whether the junk in America’s milk plays a role in our obesity problem.)  Is there really a thyroid issue and in 20 years, everyone who’s being demonized now will deserve a gigantic apology?  I think there’s much more than meets the eye.

I won’t say that losing weight in Germany after I had my son was easy.  It was hard.  But it wasn’t the complete and utter sacrifice of all that is good that losing weight seems to require here.  I could still have a little chocolate pudding dessert, or a hot chocolate, or a cappuccino– every day if I wanted.  I drank pop about four days a week.  I could lose weight on 1500 calories (and add more on days that I exercised).  No longer.

I wish I was a funny weight loss blogger.  But I feel so discouraged and so ashamed and so confused.

(BTW, if you’ve tried to comment before, I’ve fixed my commenting issue.)