Stories like this make me feel deeply ashamed.  I’m not yet too fat for X-rays, but I am right up there in the obesity statistics.  I am obese.  I have been fighting obesity for six years now, and I have been losing.  Six years.  I can get all this other great stuff accomplished in my life, but I can’t do something as simple as control my own weight.  I know nutrition.  I know the dangers of being overweight.  I exercise.  I log what I eat.  But I cannot lose weight.

I have this Australian book called Confessions of a Reformed Dieter, by AJ Rochester, who lost about 70 pounds by exercising and changing her eating habits.  I love this book, and listen to it on audio, as well as read it.  Sometimes, though, I get a little bitter and wish that I had started out eating entire pizzas and 20 beers in a night.  Then I would have someplace to improve from.  Then, the things I do would make a difference.  I would see that the changes I make do some good.  I don’t even eat fast food, though.  I stopped eating candy several months ago.  I stopped drinking pop about two months ago.  I’ve been eating 4-5 servings of raw fruits and veggies a day for a long time, like four or five months.  I’ve been running since April.  All I really have to show for it is about two kilos, give or take half a kilo.  (Remember, too, that what I’m working on now is the extra, extra weight I gained from grad school.  Then, I have to lose the extra weight I gained from moving to the states.  Then the last 5 pounds I was trying to lose of my baby weight.)

I just get so discouraged when I read these articles.  I feel so ashamed. It makes me not want to ever seek medical help.  I don’t want to be treated like trash because of my body weight.  No one does.  No one should be.  But even though we fat people are the majority, we still get treated like we’re not even people.

A British article by a reporter who spend a day in a fatsuit. I’ve spent the last six years in a fatsuit.  I’m tired of these emotions only being valid if the person can be a size 10 the next day, or be Tyra Banks.  The real experiences of living it are not valid.

I’m also tired of fat not being studied for real.  I mean, it’s studied as a way to demonize people, or to blame someone for high medical expenses, but what I want to know is WHY I’m fat.  What role does getting only three hours of sleep a night play?  What kind of crap is in my milk?  (I grew up drinking British milk.  There’s a part of me that wonders, strongly, whether the junk in America’s milk plays a role in our obesity problem.)  Is there really a thyroid issue and in 20 years, everyone who’s being demonized now will deserve a gigantic apology?  I think there’s much more than meets the eye.

I won’t say that losing weight in Germany after I had my son was easy.  It was hard.  But it wasn’t the complete and utter sacrifice of all that is good that losing weight seems to require here.  I could still have a little chocolate pudding dessert, or a hot chocolate, or a cappuccino– every day if I wanted.  I drank pop about four days a week.  I could lose weight on 1500 calories (and add more on days that I exercised).  No longer.

I wish I was a funny weight loss blogger.  But I feel so discouraged and so ashamed and so confused.

(BTW, if you’ve tried to comment before, I’ve fixed my commenting issue.)

An article about how, yet again, our food industry thwarts our health.  There’s something incredibly warped about America’s food industry, combined with the insistence on relying on our “air-conditioned wheelchairs” (as Edward Abbey calls it) to get everywhere.  We’re like veal.  But what are we being fattened up for?  Why do we consistently make the wrong decision?  If there is any decision to be made, we will invariably choose the one that leads to more sugar, more fat, less walking…

(That reminds me– a local ad shows a woman taking her little niece to visit grandpa and grandma’s pharmacy chain.  At each store, the child is given a soda, a smoothie, ice cream, or candy.  This is all in the space of a day.  Creating a future customer, here?)

This week, I’m focusing on getting more superfoods and less soda.  I need to pick up some blueberries to add to my oatmeal.  I already have flax seeds and wheat germ. 

My point was going to be a comment on the backlash against the idea that it’s okay to be a little heavier if you exercise.  I’ve noticed that for a lot of critics, exercising simply isn’t good enough.  It’s clear to them that it would be preferable to be thin and not exercise than to be fat and exercise.

This is frustrating, because even when I can exercise, I can’t lose weight.  I simply can’t.  I have put on 50 pounds since coming to the states, despite exercising 5-6 times a week until I started grad school a year and a half ago.  This is a sick, sick country.  We are allowing ourselves to be made ill by the way this country is set up, then we are willingly taking the blame and feeling guilty when our bodies do exactly what bodies do when they are fed crap and planted in a chair all day.

I’m angry.  I’m angry about my addiction to caffeine and sugar and the fact that I have to use those drugs to get through the day.  I’m angry that when I go to the student cafeteria, I can choose between a wilty salad that has been frozen and still has ice crystals in the lettuce or a hot, tasty full of fat sandwich. I have to plan obsessively to make sure I have access to healthy foods, but I don’t have to do anything special if I want to eat junk.

This system is set up so we have to go out of our way to be healthy.  It’s not even a matter of self-control or willpower.  It’s a second (rather, third, since I’m already working two) job to stay fit.  We shouldn’t have to THINK so much about food or exercise.  We shouldn’t have to ask for the special menu at IHOP– the healthy food should be on the main menu.  We should be able to live within walking distance of a grocery store, instead of having zoning set up to make sure we have to drive everywhere.

Just working out isn’t enough if the rest of your lifestyle is killing you.

Next year, I’ll have my life back, and one thing I am focusing on is living a more active life every day.  I just don’t want to live in a community that is so poorly designed that you have to drive two miles to work because the roads are too dangerous to pedestrians.  I don’t want to live in a place that’s oriented to people sitting on their behinds watching TV.  I want to be able to get exercise by biking to work or walking to the library, instead of having to drive to those places and then make a special effort to get a random walk in.  A healthy community will be a top priority for my future.

I think they know it’s not just the calories.  It’s the fact that the Calorie-Restricted people focus “on vegetables, olive oil, beans, whole grains, fish and fruit. They avoid refined and processed foods, soft drinks, desserts, white bread and other sources of “empty” calories.”  1400 calories of junk is still junk… and I can tell you it’s pretty tough to eat 3,000 calories of healthy, high-fiber food.

 I hate it when researchers and reporters try to simplify this kind of information. It’s not doing us any favors.  In fact, it’s a kind of enabling of an extremely unhealthy lifestyle.  A modest cut in calories combined with a modest amount of exercise is probably a good thing, but it’s even better if that modest cut in calories comes from replacing a hamburger with a lentil casserole, or french fries with a baked potato.

This is right in line with my current nutritional goals, which are to stay within my allotted WeightWatchers POINTS without being hungry.  That can only be done if I choose the highest-quality foods available. This is why I have started to look for vegetarian and vegan cookbooks (without soy or milk, since I’m sensitive to both.)  The WeightWatchers vegetarian meal ideas all include too much milk and cheese, so I’m still looking for easy, quick, healthy options.