It’s driving me nuts that I can’t remember something I wanted to talk about earlier. It has something to do with my new attitudes about food. It’s so refreshing to feel “normal.” How strange that I had to go vegan to do it. (Speaking of vegan, I went to a special lunch today and was amazed at how many of the foods had meat in them. Even the mushroom rice had meat in it! Why do people feel the need to put meat and other animal effluence in everything? I noticed one other person didn’t eat her rice either.)

Now I remember what I wanted to say. It did have to do with my new attitudes about food. Food has taken a more appropriate role in my life. I eat when I’m hungry, I stop when I’m not hungry, and most of what I eat is objectively healthy (fruits, veggies, whole grains, nuts.) I do like chocolate and eat a little piece of it most days, but I don’t obsess about it. The downside of my healthy new attitude is that when I want to give a treat to someone who has done something special for me (or when I have my committee get together), I don’t want to give them junk or anything unhealthy. But how many people would be thrilled with a vegan fruit plate? I would… when I go to gatherings where they lure broke graduate students with promises of food, I’m all over the fruit. It makes me feel weird… not because I don’t eat animal products, but because I’m honestly starting to prefer the healthy choices. They taste better, look better, and make me feel better.

How did I get here and what took me so long?

I got my replacement Cathe DVDs today. I had not had time to do most of them, so I hadn’t noticed any problems yet, but that was nice of them to automatically send new DVDs. I recognize that they are a small business run by human beings and stuff happens.

This weekend, I’m taking my first progress picture for the year. I’m going to take pictures every weekend. I hope I’ll be able to create a success slide show by summer.

Fitday tells me I’m only getting about a thousand calories a day. I need to add more fruits to take it up just a couple hundred to 1200.

I think I have successfully done the work to change my focus from weight to health. Yes, I’d still like to be slim, but more than that, I want to be energetic and healthy. This is why I’m leaving one of my jobs… I need the sleep for my health, and so I’ll have the energy to work out. I also eat better when I’m getting enough sleep. I suspect I’ll be a better student, too.

Part of the reason I can focus more on health is that if I do this right, my weight will naturally go to where it’s supposed to be. I’ve never truly eaten for health. Ever. This is a first. I’ve done so many fad diets, but I’ve never thought about health. Another bonus is that this diet is more economical for our budget and more sustainable for the world. It’s all good. The best part, though, is I don’t even want the bad stuff any more. It’s like a switch went off in my brain and said, “You don’t want toxic food!”

Now, to get back my drive to workout five to six times a week. I think that will come with plenty of sleep and complete detox from caffeine.

BTW, I read an article today that said drinking soda is linked to a gain of 15 pounds a year. I can buy that. (No point in linking, since yahoo lets its links die pretty quickly.)

I have unofficially noticed a loss on the scale. Today I was 85.7 kg, the lowest I’ve been since I decided to switch to kilos. That’s nice. It’s especially good because with just a little bit of pre-planning, this will be a very sustainable lifestyle (in more ways than one). Right now, I’m being kind of boring, just mixing a grain and a bean, about half a cup to a cup of each for my meals. Breakfast is a homemade vegan breakfast bar. (or oatmeal.)  Salads and veggies whenever I think about it and have time to prepare them.

I’m not big on the fake meats (possibly because I’m not big on real meat, plus fake meat is made of my arch-nemesis- soy.)  I want to have a diet that is what it is, not that’s pretending to be something else.

I hope my stomach discomfort goes away with the milk.  That would be nice.

Stories like this make me feel deeply ashamed.  I’m not yet too fat for X-rays, but I am right up there in the obesity statistics.  I am obese.  I have been fighting obesity for six years now, and I have been losing.  Six years.  I can get all this other great stuff accomplished in my life, but I can’t do something as simple as control my own weight.  I know nutrition.  I know the dangers of being overweight.  I exercise.  I log what I eat.  But I cannot lose weight.

I have this Australian book called Confessions of a Reformed Dieter, by AJ Rochester, who lost about 70 pounds by exercising and changing her eating habits.  I love this book, and listen to it on audio, as well as read it.  Sometimes, though, I get a little bitter and wish that I had started out eating entire pizzas and 20 beers in a night.  Then I would have someplace to improve from.  Then, the things I do would make a difference.  I would see that the changes I make do some good.  I don’t even eat fast food, though.  I stopped eating candy several months ago.  I stopped drinking pop about two months ago.  I’ve been eating 4-5 servings of raw fruits and veggies a day for a long time, like four or five months.  I’ve been running since April.  All I really have to show for it is about two kilos, give or take half a kilo.  (Remember, too, that what I’m working on now is the extra, extra weight I gained from grad school.  Then, I have to lose the extra weight I gained from moving to the states.  Then the last 5 pounds I was trying to lose of my baby weight.)

I just get so discouraged when I read these articles.  I feel so ashamed. It makes me not want to ever seek medical help.  I don’t want to be treated like trash because of my body weight.  No one does.  No one should be.  But even though we fat people are the majority, we still get treated like we’re not even people.

A British article by a reporter who spend a day in a fatsuit. I’ve spent the last six years in a fatsuit.  I’m tired of these emotions only being valid if the person can be a size 10 the next day, or be Tyra Banks.  The real experiences of living it are not valid.

I’m also tired of fat not being studied for real.  I mean, it’s studied as a way to demonize people, or to blame someone for high medical expenses, but what I want to know is WHY I’m fat.  What role does getting only three hours of sleep a night play?  What kind of crap is in my milk?  (I grew up drinking British milk.  There’s a part of me that wonders, strongly, whether the junk in America’s milk plays a role in our obesity problem.)  Is there really a thyroid issue and in 20 years, everyone who’s being demonized now will deserve a gigantic apology?  I think there’s much more than meets the eye.

I won’t say that losing weight in Germany after I had my son was easy.  It was hard.  But it wasn’t the complete and utter sacrifice of all that is good that losing weight seems to require here.  I could still have a little chocolate pudding dessert, or a hot chocolate, or a cappuccino– every day if I wanted.  I drank pop about four days a week.  I could lose weight on 1500 calories (and add more on days that I exercised).  No longer.

I wish I was a funny weight loss blogger.  But I feel so discouraged and so ashamed and so confused.

(BTW, if you’ve tried to comment before, I’ve fixed my commenting issue.)

Here is a list of foods containing HFCS and an interesting thread of comments.

Here is a good summation of the problems with HFCS.

An SFGate article about HFCS.

Here’s a “Straight Dope” article in which the author appears to dismiss the idea that HFCS interfering with the “I’m full” signal leads to obesity.

Tips on ways to avoid HFCS in your kids’ food.

An article about links with HFCS and hypertension.

Of course, there would be a wiki page on HFCS.

I could go on and on, but one thing this version of Word Press is NOT good at is dealing with links.  Ironic, for weblog software, huh?  Blah.

Anyway, I’ve been meaning to learn how to make my own yogurt, so I think I will try a batch this weekend.  I bet I can find some organic jam or preserves to sweeten it with, that do not contain HFCS.  Maybe my kids will even like it!

Random web surfing has convinced me that we don’t know anything about all this junk we’re eating!  The sooner I get my diet cleaned up, the better. 

I’m going to swim for a few weeks and try to work up to the elliptical.

I just wish I could get my weight under control.