So I generally ignore those messages any more. I try to ignore society’s messages about how I should feel bad about myself. I know now that even if I had lost 20 pounds when I was 140, I still would have been too fat for someone. And frankly, I don’t long to weigh any less than 120, ever. At this point, the low end of my goal range is 125. (The high end is 145. The ultimate goal… I’ll know when I get there.)

I’m not trying to be mean, and I debated about even posting this, but I watched that Posh Spice “reality show” the other day and found it a little painful. I just don’t think it’s hott to have to carefully lower yourself into a seat because your bones will hurt if you drop down too quickly. My beloved dog is that thin and I worry about her constantly (she’s 14.) Yet Posh thinks she’s the hottest thing ever. I resist allowing disordered eaters and body dysmorphics to decide what I should look like.

I’ve definitely gotten to where it’s about health and performance, not looks.

My weight is around 173 and my size is pretty much 14. I can fit into clothes that are sized 12-14. My t-shirts are now easily men’s medium.

Now that I’ve done a week of summer camp, I know better what parts I need to work on to keep up with the boys. I’m working up a regimen of hiking, swimming, biking, and lifting weights. I have to order new hiking boots, since my old Sketchers nearly killed my feet. I’m ordering Garmont Vegan Hikers. I really hope they’re durable enough. If my son wants to earn the hiking badge, he’ll have to go on a 20-mile hike, and I will want to go with him. (He’ll have to do five 5-mile hikes and I think a 10-mile hike first.)

My plan is to do three Cathe weight DVDs a week (alternating Pure Strength and Gym Style), swim twice a week, hike at least twice a week, and bike once a week. I used to be very committed to working out daily, so I hope to get that commitment back. If I don’t plant myself in front of the TV all evening, I actually do have time to exercise.

I have to stop fooling around and start working out again. Losing weight without weight-training leads to saggy skin and a weirdly-shaped body. Plus, I also have to train for Boy Scout camp, which is about two months away. I will embark on a training regimen that includes 2 swims a week, 3 jogs, 4 days of weight-training, and one cross-training day. The weight-training will be Cathe Pure Strength or Gym Styles. I’m also going to fill a backpack full of books and leave it by the door to wear whenever I walk the dogs. I live on a hill, so there’s some hiking training right there. Once my camping backpack gets here, I’ll use that.

The only problem with being at this level of fitness will be that I can already out-hike some of the boys. Sad commentary on kids’ physical fitness any more. What are they supposed to do, though? They aren’t allowed to run and play any more! No running at recess. So, DS11 will be training with me, plus on nice days, I’m going to force him to play outside, even if I have to lock him out. He worries at his weight, which is slightly higher than it should be, but I worry about his fitness. It would be nice if he felt more comfortable in a swimsuit by camp.

Oh, I forgot to say, I ordered a pair of 5.11 pants and a pair of 5.11 shorts for scouts and I deliberately ordered them small, because of the rate at which I’ve been losing weight. Guess what? They fit. The shorts are women’s 12. The good news is, they have elastic waists, so I’ll be able to wear them for a while, probably even when I get into size 10.

The other weird thing is that only one person has spontaneously mentioned my weight loss! I’ve lost 30 pounds, but no one has noticed. I went from size 18 to size 14, and no one has noticed. That’s a bit weird.

More additions. A few entries ago, I talked about the size L t-shirt for Scout Class Bs. I now have a medium which fits fine. The large is… a bit large. Something weird, though, is that I’m afraid to measure myself because I have this fear that the tape will STILL say I have a 35-inch waist. Don’t know when I’ll be ready to measure again.

I’m thrilled! I’m amazed. I never thought I would ever be successful.

Some of the things I’m doing include: walking the dogs every night, some Pilates, some yoga, some weights, and some running.

I also managed to get out for a run today. Even though I haven’t run since November, I was able to run continuously to the beauty shop. I then ran-walked a little further, then went back to the beauty shop and ran home. A total of 16 minutes. I was pleased to have that level of running ability after neglecting my running all winter. Then, we walked the dogs for a while.

I’m intending to get back to running at least 3 times a week in the morning, and walking the dogs for at least 20 minutes every day. We have a back yard, so they do get chances to stretch their legs, but they sure love to walk!

It’s driving me nuts that I can’t remember something I wanted to talk about earlier. It has something to do with my new attitudes about food. It’s so refreshing to feel “normal.” How strange that I had to go vegan to do it. (Speaking of vegan, I went to a special lunch today and was amazed at how many of the foods had meat in them. Even the mushroom rice had meat in it! Why do people feel the need to put meat and other animal effluence in everything? I noticed one other person didn’t eat her rice either.)

Now I remember what I wanted to say. It did have to do with my new attitudes about food. Food has taken a more appropriate role in my life. I eat when I’m hungry, I stop when I’m not hungry, and most of what I eat is objectively healthy (fruits, veggies, whole grains, nuts.) I do like chocolate and eat a little piece of it most days, but I don’t obsess about it. The downside of my healthy new attitude is that when I want to give a treat to someone who has done something special for me (or when I have my committee get together), I don’t want to give them junk or anything unhealthy. But how many people would be thrilled with a vegan fruit plate? I would… when I go to gatherings where they lure broke graduate students with promises of food, I’m all over the fruit. It makes me feel weird… not because I don’t eat animal products, but because I’m honestly starting to prefer the healthy choices. They taste better, look better, and make me feel better.

How did I get here and what took me so long?

Well, I’m not making my goal of bed by 11pm tonight, but after I post this, I’m shutting down my computer.

I did some calisthenics and some bellydancing tonight. I can’t take classes right now, partly because they’re at the same time that my son’s Boy Scout troop will be meeting. I’ll miss it. I took classes for a year. But I only have a few more years with my darling son at home, so I’m going to enjoy them. There will be plenty of time for dance classes later.

I took the dogs for a walk. They enjoyed it. It was rather cold, though. About 18 degrees F. So, it wasn’t a very long walk.

I posted about this in another thread, but yesterday, we went to Pizza Hut. I ordered the pan vegetarian with no cheese. After I was done, I had the worst taste in my mouth! So greasy and rancid! My usual fat intake is far lower than 50 grams a day. If I ever go back to Pizza Hut, I’ll try the thin and crispy. I think that has less fat. But it was nice to see how much my tastes have changed. I really do prefer fruits and veggies and low fat foods.

Now, to become addicted to exercise again. I’m working on it!